The Onion makes me so happy sometimes.
Category: Arts
Chris Paul (2009 Top 10)
Chris Paul plays for the New Orleans Hornets. You can’t have him. He belongs to us.
In the end, The Path is a little bit like getting punched in the nose by a centaur. It’s momentarily painful, but you get to spend the next few days trying to figure out precisely what the hell just happened to you.
We’re going to hear about how [the Arizona Cardinals] magically transformed themselves at the end of the season. We’re going to hear about the remarkable comeback of Kurt Warner. We’re going to hear about how marvelous it is for the National Football League that a Super Bowl championship is within the grasp of a team so thickly dripping with obvious mediocrity that it’s a wonder Charlie Sheen isn’t playing left guard. We are going to hear all of this because the NFL and its broadcast partners operate on the very simple premise that everybody who reports—or follows—their sport on television is a paste‐eating moron.
The New Orleans Saints finished the regular season at 8–8, but finished dead last in the NFC South. This table confirms that our division was, indeed, the hardest this year. Parity is a bitch.
To watch collectors of arcade games insulting people who were once high score champions on video games is, to anyone even 20 feet away from this subculture, like watching people in fursuits insulting a documentary about people in fursuits who play in a band. It just doesn’t scan, folks.
Fallout 3
Let’s get straight to the point: Fallout 3, despite its minor flaws, is the closest I’ve felt to inhabiting a real‐life world inside a video game. It’s built for exploration and will deliver enough substance for at least a hundred hours of gameplay. On top of all this, enemies’ heads explode if you shoot them just right — and that’s pretty cool by itself.
CSS Advanced Layout Module. I suppose this is a good spec, even though the syntax is a bit weird. But — Christ — can they please stop overloading the display property? It’s hard enough to use as it is.
MasterCard, what are you thinking? How on earth will you reproduce this logo on a credit card, on a fax, on a standard‐def television screen? Did you take this as valuable advice, rather than as the parody it so clearly was?
Mass Effect
This is perhaps the most gorgeous game I’ve ever played. More than half of the credit goes to stellar art direction; the game projected a 1980s EPCOT view of the distant future, complete and meticulous. It gave me chills. I’ve played through it once, but will have to postpone a second play‐through because there are too many other excellent games in my queue.